Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: A story I made...
OfficialZezima.com Forums > Other > Off-topic
G-Runic?
His Life
One starry night a man named Jake looks over his life. He was an owner of a shop that sells dune buggies. He lived in the Sahara desert. He was tired of sitting in his store taking care of business. So he hired someone to watch over for him while he was gone. He had a family. Two kids, a wife, and a loving brother that is in a coma. The kids? names were Josh and Kate, his wife?s name was Sarah and his brother?s name was Tony. His brother was in a car crash three years ago. And he?s been in a coma since then. Jake feels responsible for the car crash so Jake bought the buggy shop so he could keep his brother living but there has been no progress so Jake is losing hope. Every night Jake worries that he won?t have enough money to support his brother and take care of his family. So he stresses over every little penny so he can get around in life.

Sweet Escape
So while doing taxes Jake gets frustrated with all the work he has to do and decides to take a break and relax in the desert. He packs up all the cloths he thinks he needs and head to the kitchen. He grabs a 24-pack of water, 12-pack of a variety of chips, matches, a pan and an ice cooler filled with ice. He takes all his stuff and brings it to his store where he has a dune buggy ready to be driven. He grabs a camping pack and heads out. He drives and drives over the desert letting the air run through his hair. It?s getting close to night fall so he decides to set up camp. He puts a tent up and takes out some water and a bag of chips. He opens the sky view part of the tent and looks at the stars. While pointing out some constellations he gets drowsy and starts to doze off.

The Nightmare
That night Jake has a nightmare. The nightmare was of the night his brother got in a crash. They were at a bar watching a football game. They were talking about their parents? death. Deciding who gets what and what they will do with the bodies. Tony says that they should bury it but Jake refused and said they should burn the bodies and let the ashes go in the Atlantic Ocean. They argued and argued till finally Jake got tired and revealed a secret that was not meant to be shared. That his brother Tony was adopted. Tony thought that he was to drunk and said that but coincidently Jake was reviewing the adoption papers the night before and had them in his pocket. Jake pulls out the papers and shows them to his brother. His brother Tony runs out of the bar in a rampage and takes off in his car. Jake knew his brother was drunk so he chases after him to make sure he doesn?t do anything stupid. Unfortunately Jake did just the opposite. Tony looked in his rear view mirror and saw his brother following him so he decides to speed up. Tony tried shaking his brother up by going in a neighborhood and speeding through and making sharp turns that would make his brother wonder where he turned but on one turn he turned a bit to sharp and the car tumbled, rolling into a lamp post. Jake runs to the car and pulls his brother out. Jake realizes that Tony is knocked out so he calls the ambulance. They pick them both up and call a towing company to pick up the cars. Jake waits 6 hours in the emergency room to find out what was wrong with his brother. When the doctor comes out he tells Jake that his brother was in a severe coma and may never return to a normal state. Jake wouldn?t let his brother down so he kept him on life support.

The Search
Jake woke up to find himself trembling to not only the coldness of the night but to the memory that he had most recent. While trying to shake the memory out of his mind Jake is found hungry. So he gets in the buggy with a bag of chips and heads off. Not remembering where he came from Jake panics. He walks around in every direction to find tire tracks but finds none. He realizes that the desert winds must have blown them away. He gets his cell phone and tries to call someone but finds that there is no signal. He walks around trying to get a signal but can?t. So he sits there trying to think of what to do. He sits drinking water and his solution is to go in the direction he thinks is right. He gets in the buggy and heads back to what he guesses to be his home.

The Prayer
After searching for hours Jake finally stopped and took a break. His ice was melted already and he had plenty of water for the time being. He drank one but that wasn?t enough so he drank another one. He dipped his head into the ice cooler and felt re-energized. Feeling much more confident he heads out again. After, what seemed to be hours to Jake, he started to lose hope. He cried for a while regretting running away from his problems. By the time he came to his senses he realized it was getting dark out. So he quickly brought out his tent and set it up. He lay there looking at the stars and wondered what his family was doing at home. Jake wished he was with them. Not only did he wish but he prayed. He prayed to God asking for forgiveness, his brother?s safety, family?s safety and for him to get what he was looking for a vacation. He prayed for that and fell asleep.

The Lever
Jake woke up the next morning feeling a bit better but hotter and dehydrated. He figured he would most likely be searching again today so he packed up the tent and got a quick snack. Jake was hoping for better results today so he got in the buggy and took off. Jake thought he was going in circles but yet again it?s a desert, everything looks the same. After a couple hours Jake got quite tired so he pulls over next to a hill that is blocking the sun. He sits there and wonders what else could go wrong. After a while of wondering he gets back in the buggy. He tries turning it on but it won?t start up. So Jake gets frustrated and starts yelling. After many attempts to get the buggy on Jake gives up. Out of anger Jake climbs to the top of the giant hill and starts yelling at God. After his voice gets a bit crispy Jake decides to head back. After yelling Jake is feeling a bit lightheaded so on the way down he stumbles and falls down the hill. He gets several scratches and bruises and his body is layered with sand. While Jake was on the floor he looked forward to see where he was. He found himself right next the buggy and is looking underneath it. He realizes something a bit shiny like a piece of metal or something. So he gets up and tries pushing the buggy out the way but he didn?t have enough energy. He sits in the driver?s seat and drinks some water and pours some all over his body. Feeling stronger Jake tries again this time it moves. Once the buggy was out the way Jake moves the sand out the way. He sees something that looks like a lever. Curiosity took over Jake and he tugged at it.

Paradise
Once Jake pulled the lever he felt the ground shake a bit. Soon after that he felt the ground shifting underneath him. He saw a little crack with sand falling through and it was getting bigger. Jake froze out of panic and confusion. Before he could react he was falling with the sand. Jake looked down and saw nothing but darkness. So will going down he prayed, he prayed that God would watch over his family. Moments after that Jake saw something he couldn?t believe an angel. The angel looked even more magnificent than people described. She had a white cloak on that was brighter than anything he?s ever seen, a halo that looked like pure light shining from the top of her head and a face that was indescribable. In a voice that was softer and more promising than anything the angel said, ?Jake, you have prayed to God and you?ve been a nice man and that?s why God has answered your prayers with this. He will watch over your family and you?ll go to a place that is like paradise. But remember, there is no turning back. Is this what you want to do??

The Answer
Jake, not sure what to say, figures that his family would do just fine without him and he?ll be in what seems to be heaven. So he tells the angel yes. The angel then says, ?Very well, your prayer has been answered.? And soon after that she disappeared.


I'll be updating the story when I get the chance, enjoy what is here smile.gif
Something_X
Are you allowing for positive critique or just posting it here for a read?
G-Runic?
I'm allowing any criticism.
G-Runic?
*BUMP* Just want to make sure everybody has seen it tongue.gif I want feedback because if I get bad feedback I won't continue the story and I'll just start another one and if I get good feedback I'll continue.
Warior989
All i have to say is lol smile.gif
G-Runic?
Umm...is that good or bad?
Something_X
QUOTE (G-Runic? @ Jun 18 2007, 09:55 PM) *
Umm...is that good or bad?


Well, let's evaluate, shall we?

QUOTE (G-Runic? @ Jun 18 2007, 09:55 PM) *
One starry night a man named Jake looks over his life. He was an owner of a shop that sells dune buggies.

Tenses. When you're writing a story, keep it in the same tense. Occurs all throughout the story. Unless need be for a flashback of some sort.

Also, Rhetorical Devices. Learn how to use them. They spice up your writing and don't leave it bland.
G-Runic?
Thanks for the feedback but the tenses were right. He was looking back on his life and he was one if you read the rest of the story because that was kind of a flashback.
Something_X
He found himself right next the buggy and is looking underneath it. He realizes something a bit shiny like a piece of metal or something. So he gets up and tries pushing the buggy out the way but he didn?t have enough energy.

Find
Past: Found
Present: Finds
Future: Will Find

Get
Past: Got
Present: gets/getting
Future: Will Get

The tenses aren't right. Trust me on this.
G-Runic?
Ok, w/e. I'm allowing any feedback but yours because I'm tired of your bull. Not just this but everything.
James
Nice story. smile.gif How long did it take you to write?
G-Runic?
It took me about 30 minutes to and hour...
Pls
l
G-Runic?
Umm spam? lol Please edit your post so it makes something that people can read...
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2008 Invision Power Services, Inc.